Menu:

 
I wrote this to my husband today in email – chances are he will not see it to much later…I am sharing this with my sisters – not for sympathy (which I prefer not to have – just the way I function – sometimes it is just easier to say what I say and leave it in the air – not for response but for cleansing) – but I wanted to show that there are moments that we all have ‘mad’ moments in life. We all have ‘weak’ times in the Lord and I am sharing mine in hopes that it will help someone.  

Am I lost – no I am not lost – am I broken – yes I am being broken every day but Jesus is fixing me…am I perfect hecks no – but yet in it all – I am still standing…here is a glimpse of my ‘losing it’ moment – I am not there now – but I was there – but the Lord answers prayers and I trust Him and only Him to answer my prayers! God has blessed me – this I know…may someone see today that fear – doubt and questioning happens to all of us – but the difference between the saved and unsaved is we have Jesus to turn to…in Jesus we have all that we need.  

Hello, 

It is really hard to be here at work. It is hard working period…it is like I have so much on my plate to do with no relief. Yet there is more work to be done and I am praying that you will help do this too. I feel like so much is on me and I am not even talking about the housework and stuff – please I do not even know when I will have time for that stuff.  

I look at Jonathan and what he is doing to get out of stuff at the age of 8 and wondering what kind of future he is going to have – does he even care that he is breaking my heart – that I feel like less of a mom – a bad mom to him because of his behavior. Does he know that – nope – does he care if he did – nope – why because he is 8!  

I am feeling really lost in this whole thing. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing – I guess. I am working, coming home – making sure he is doing what he should be doing but yet falling short there too…I am just not feeling like I can keep this up for much longer. I wonder all the time if God really called me to this or am I just trying to keep myself busy to stop myself from killing myself. I wonder what all of this is about sometimes. 

Sometimes I wonder if I walk this walk because I am scared to go to hell only. Do I really believe in the Lord or is this just the way to do things so just in case he is real I am headed to the right place – which in turn means my heart is really not right so I am headed to hell anyways – for doing it for the wrong reasons sends us to hell. 

I know chances are you will read this and give me some scripture some story about you that does not even relate to what I am saying. I wonder if you can even relate to anything I am saying right now.  

I look at all that I do – and none of it really matters – I do it so that I do not walk away – as selfish as it is – I put myself through this and do all that I do so I will not just walk away – go to the store buy some cigarettes and start smoking, start drinking, start listening to the music that I loved so much and start doing what I used to do…I do what I do so I will not do what I used to do but yet in still – do I really believe it – I do not know. I know that I feel compelled to do what I do because it is right – so is that belief?  

How do I know God exists – for real – could this not all be by chance? Either we believe the word of the Lord or we do not – do I really believe His word – or am I just going day by day doing what the Lord says in His word – hoping – what is hope – Jesus is hope – well what if he is not real – but he has to be real right because if he is not – then the atheists are right…. 

What all those miracles in my life – hummmmm – are they really miracles or just things that happened….I see no real difference between the unsaved and saved – except the unsaved seems to be having more fun. So I am to be this way until He returns – well there is no joy in that – why only moments of peace and happiness – hummm what I have to do that – why do I have to do it all…I am trying to trust and believe – so why can’t he change things – patience – please he knows I do not have any – molding me – man that is getting old…what about showing me that He hears my prayers – how about making it possible this week for us to move – how about blessing us with this awesome house in my dreams this year – not next year or even 20 years from now…how about ending this employment here for a new day of carefree ministry work in the Lord with no worries of bills – ALL FANTASY to me – none of that is real to me… 

What is real to me…. I get up at 5:45 AM every morning after falling asleep at 1 AM at the earliest – I go all day long….at a job that bores me to pieces and life is just boring here – wasting my time here – they really do not need me but I am getting paid – rather be home sleeping….son cuts up all the time – can not believe a word that comes out of his mouth…I express how I feel husband laughs at me as if what I am saying is stupid or ridiculous – but these are my emotions – these are my feelings – this is where my head is – can I share this with others – sure I can – I am sharing with you but just like you will do – others will give me scripture or tell me they are praying but when we are at a turning point in our lives – what can words express…. 

What brings me joy – looking at the smile on our son’s face, laughing with Jonathan or you or both of yall, talking to a sister in Christ about the Lord – talking about the Lord brings me joy – so does that mean He is real – does that mean I really believe – I do not know what is going on with me today – yet another transition – another molding section – another what is it – what is this with me – okay so I need to ask him – why ask – he knows – if he hears me – he knows my struggles – he knows my weaknesses, he knows if he hears me – he knows.  

This is the mind of a saved woman – struggling to hold it together – daily calling on the Lord – holding on tight to her beliefs and knowing that God is really there but yet – having a hard time this day – the enemy is attacking and all she can do is write and pray – pray and write and write and pray – I was told once that I need therapy – well this is my therapy – releasing it out of me and praying that God is hearing and caring for me right now in my time of need….the joy of the Lord is my strength – Jesus I need your joy – I need your peace – I need you to come down right now and visit with me – speak to my heart and bring me to be out of this place that I am in – yes you are molding me but Lord – I need a break! Bless your name and may you be real to me today!